Alternative Academy Awards: Modest Proposals
It’s no coincidence that Academy Awards and Alcoholics Anonymous share the same initials. If the Oscars don’t drive you to drink, you’re already there.
Here are StarkedSF’s suggestions for new Academy Award Formats that would blow away the current boring dil-whackery:
- Simon Cowell’s Asinine Awards: Cowell lures unsuspecting Hollywood ego junkies in with fake Oscars invite, then reams them stem to stern in front of a live audience and then hurls artists into a tiger cage full of embittered American Idol rejects.
- Carlos Mencia’s Asshole of the Year Awards: Mencia straight up tells Hollywood’s worst actors and producers what dicks they are, then forces them to do SNL-style skits parodying the movies. Event can’t be staged on Oscar night–way too much overlap.
- Snoop Dogg & Dave Chappelle’s Herbalicious Actors Guild Awards: Snoop and Chappelle cut through the smoke to hand out awards to the pimpinest productions of the year. Anyone whose speech gets boring gets the bum’s rush to screams of “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Water cooled award statue designed by Tommy Chong.
- Jerry Springer’s Oscar Fight Night: Springer pranks actors by inviting the ones who hate each the most to phony Oscar pre-party, then turns them loose on each other like wild dogs. Each participant gets a folding chair and a pair of Oscar statues chained together like nunchuks. Survivors get to take a piss on Billy Crystal.
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